creepier when they talk

things that are creepier when they talk

snakes
plants
furnaces
ronald mcdonald

this blows my minds

in the color world, tint is the color produced when adding white to a base color, shade is produced when adding black.

we tint our windows but we put different levels of black film on them. what.

this is my favorite holiday. so what.

ideas for april fool's day jokes that aren't funny:

- filling a cup of coffee then throwing it at someone's feet
- punching someone in the temple
- trying to drive a mini cooper into an elevator
- lowering someone's office chair all the way to the ground if they are short and bringing it all the way up if they are tall
- trying to drive that mini cooper up the stairs when it wont fit in the elevator
- stealing a mini cooper to try these things then returning it
- stick figure street art

it all sounds real complicated to me. maybe just pour water on them or something

Somewhere there's a person that automatically thinks every other person they meet is a robot. Prior to trusting the stranger with any information at all, they put them through a series of qualifiers to determine if this person is, in fact, a robot. These qualifiers are simple. They look for imperfections, as the creation of human robots hasn't quite reached a level where unique imperfections can be added to each one individually. Sickness, odd body shape, personality disorders. It's become more complicated over the years as robot makers have become more advanced, but for now this person is content hanging around crazy, sick people with odd body shapes.

Saying something about how pretty the dog is helps too. Most find that part hard the first time.

You walk in a room, not any room in particular, just some room. There's a man and woman in the room and they are engaging in some activities where one is wearing a collar and the other is holding a leash. Domination activities that some may find erotic.

Rather than freak out, wonder what they are doing in [room] or taking some otherwise normal course of action, you just walk by, pat the leash holder on the back one time, (One of those friendly back pat/taps, the kind you get from the person that's not your boss but could probably make you lose your job if they wanted to) chuckle and give em the old: "So, who's walking who?".

Then Continue on your way.

9 things that get better with age

Wine
Cheese
Steak
Beer
Art
Music
Trees
The brain
Houses


sometimes:
puppies

I am completely unsure how to even make money off of this

Truth is, most people are too wound up. Can't relax. May do nothing, or just waste time, but have a hard time relaxing. I want to be able to sell that to people. I know it's really a state of mind and probably has something to do with chi and zen and all that but I want to sell it.

I will sell nothing. It will essentially be nothing. I will be selling people their own time. Maybe the cheapskate in people will actually relax because they know they've paid for it. Like Netlfix, you know you've paid $18.99 for three movies so you're going to try to watch $18.99 in movies.

It will be a tiered service. The tiers are relative to how much money you have, so no matter what you'll want to get your money's worth. And the satisfaction will all be relative. You didn't get what you wanted out of it? It's because you really didn't try to get your money's worth. Don't worry, we can help. buy the premium support. It's only an extra 5%.

It will be called Unwind or Realax.

I'm on to something.

the other two eat live fish right out of the water. amazing, if you ask me

so this one day there was three dogs and they were so happy because they had a nice little place on the beach but the crazy thing is that one of the dogs didnt like the water. here's why: this one time she drank a lot of salt water and got really bloated then had diarrhea for about 18 hours straight. So ever since then, she's avoided the water. unforuntately, she isn't advanced enough to know which action led to the extremely negative consequence, just that she spent the entire day in the water and then the entire next day dragging her ass along the grass that grows on sand dunes. It's really a shame because the other two dogs bonded with some of the dolphins that hang around near the beach. They get to ride them and stuff, but only when they bring a bucket of dead fish. those things are like milk bones for mammals that live in the water.

Here's my marketing thought of the morning that I thought of

I don't think it's wise for companies to use nextel-like devices in non-nextel commercials. Or to expand that into an actual thought for discussion - use products in their commercials that are currently being advertised in other commercials.

I was trying to think of that funny commercial where the guy dances to "Push it" and does the awesome beer-body roll earlier...I think it was a shipping company or something but I kept thinking it was Nextel.

3 options here:
1. it was Nextel and I got confused by something else
2. my memory is just really bad and everyone else remembered what it was
3. this is a revolutionary thought

Oh I get it. the dogs are aliens

Once upon a time a lady named megs was sleeping in a bed. And she was dreaming that she was floating by the stars but it was neat b/c she had a space suit on and she could breathe and stuff. But in her dream she kept feeling like the suit was sticking to her cheek and getting wet bu then she woke up and saw that it was like 3 dogs licking her face. She was like “What ho dogs?” and the dogs just kept licking and it was tickling her so she sat up and they all tried to get in her lap but they couldn’t b/c they were way too big and the dogs were all like “LOL”. So then she got up to take the dogs outside and when she got outside there were all kinds of birds outside and they were flying around a lot, but not like in Hitchcock’s the birds, more like Sleeping Beauty when they put the cape on her and stuff. So then she went out there and it was really dark. For some reason she decided to look over the side of the fence. She looked over and saw nothing but empty space and stars going by. This really surprised her. I mean, a lot. She was freaked out. She ran inside and tried to find her phone or something else. She finally found her phone and opened it and saw that it was the middle of the night and the sun hadn’t floated by yet. Then she said “Hey you dogs LOL it’s the middle of the night we aren’t even supposed to be up yet. You had me thinking I slept through the whole day LOL.”

Hey pillows that's not nice

memories of a thrift store saturday

How to handle this Madoff situation

This guy intrigues me. Now it's coming out that he didn't buy a damn thing with the money he was given for 13 years. How someone tricks people for this long is beyond me. It should definitely be made in to a TV Movie after it all plays out.

So, with respect to his awesome creativity, I think he should be given creative punishment as well. You don't throw a guy like this in prison. Shit, he took the American dream to a whole new disgusting level. So my proposed sentence is simple. Everyone he jacked money from gets a free punch. Pow, ping, problem solved. That way everyone gets to vent some frustration, he will probably be injured and we wont have to pay to keep him in a prison resort.

Oh, and he has to work fast food for the rest of his life. Not any of the fun cooking jobs either. The back drive-thru window. Where 90% of the communication you have in a day is women ordering ketchup only hamburgers for their fat picky daughters. Don't forget to put a barbie in the bag instead of a hot wheel.Last time they put a hot wheel an she wouldn't play with it.

invention

I came up with a freaking awesome invention today. I'm scared to tell anyone about it because whenever I come up with inventions/good ideas one of the following always happens:

a. The invention already exists. Egg pie? Quiche. Floss to go? Already done, just not advertised extensively.

b. I keep my mouth shut and the idea becomes popular before I can capitalize on it. Skulls? Shit, I've been wearing them for years. Now they're everywhere. Pumas? I brought those back.

This one is a good one though. I can feel it. I'm going to play it just right.

edit: great. I need a bailout so I can pump some funding into the manufacturing of these ideas. Nobody ever said you had to be first. Just the best.

My current paranoia

Here are the things I'm currently paranoid about:

- food/medicine being purposely tainted to control the human population (get them all sick then control the cure)

- the government using the rough economic times (or creating them!?!) to gain control over the nation and own everything

- Corporations working in conjunction with the government to help turn the population into sheep

Only three points, but I'm pretty sure it sums up everything.

scion - a brief case study

Since I'm in marketing and have to do research as a student and a professional, I usually do online surveys. I know how important good data are  and the spiritually hopeful side of me has its fingers crossed that I'll build up some research karma points to cash in during another life.

The most recent survey i filled out (recent as in 6 minutes ago), was for Scion. I apparently got signed up on their list when i ordered free tickets to the scion rock fest at the Masquerade (free mastodon, FTW!). I should probably set up a junk email so the main steez box doesnt get gummed up with all this random shit i manage to sign up for, but I'm procrastinating that. speaking of procrastinaing, I meant to post something a while ago about how weird it was that wikipedia was hustling for cash and got millions and then it was broken, if I had donated I would want to see some 5 levels of nine for the wiki uptime. While I'm on the topic of investments, I wouldn't mind anoter stimulus check, I want a nice pressure washer. It's a shame we can't vote on what our tax dollars are invested in. I would fill out some questions on the internet for that. Hell, I'd spend a good bit of time on radio buttons and check boxes to decide that I wanted the money to be spent on things that would serve me directly. 

The scion survey on the other hand. It was long. They prefaced the survey saying that though. They said it would take 15 minutes, but still, That's a long survey. Especially considering they were targeting younger people. The lowest attention span demographic. Market researchers know that we can't sit still for 5 minutes, let alone sit down and focus on providing good data for a company we have no vested interest in. I hope they get great returns on their survey, but my amateur instinct tells me that while the click-thru rate may be high, the completion rate is going to be a ridiculously small portion of that.